Tag Archives: infidelity

The Sinner

Poetry time…

And it’s time to experiment.

So, I’m talking to a friend of mine who is telling me about her depression. I am listening, waiting for the opportunity to give her my  “You Have To Give Yourself More Time” speech. Somebody, please remind me to post it here. That speech is more of a motivational speech, it’s great for providing encouragement, and I’d welcome any of you to steal it once I post it and make it yours. It works; I’ve been using it for years. Anyway, it reminds me of this ambiguous poem I wrote… Inspired by Rumi, I wrote it to give my readers many interpretations. I named it simply “The Sinner”. Why? Because sin, like depression, like love (sometimes), like many things — including life itself–is temporary. It depends on the criminal as well as the victim. The cheater as well as the jilted lover. The depressed as well as happiness. The light as well as darkness. The sinner as well as God Himself. Take away what you will.

And by the way, this is my first post by phone. Just love this new age technology!! (Yes, I know; I’m a little slow…)

 

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“The Sinner”

Gloomy, dark days since
God’s gift had run its course
Tired, listless
Somber
Hopeless
Can’t seem to get out of bed these days
Through my trance-like gaze
I see a light that burns
Eternally
Illuminating my path to bliss in dreams
Of a past life
And Utopian futures
My dejected days await relief
Long, mentally-planned flights
Fantasy abound round these
Sleepless nights
It’s the only time I get to see you
Tell you how I feel
Answer the question: Why?
If I could turn back the hands of time
I’d find myself back in the days
When you were mine
It would remove this cloudy ceiling
That dampens my world revealing that which
Brings back the warmth and promise
That use to light my way…

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I Want You Back… #regret

I learned to use these #hashtags thingies on Facebook. Cool stuff, huh?

Anyway, periodically–and it never actually stops–one of my exes will call/email/text/send a message through mutual friend(s)… something to the effect of:

I’ve been going thru somethings (sic). I want you back

By the way ^^^ that was a real text. Don’t worry, this particular ex doesn’t read this blog. In fact, she never did; and that was one of the problems in our relationship. Her friends and family read it–but she didn’t have enough interest in me and the things that were important to me to ever read it. And let me tell you something. Through this blog, I have had groupies, fans, crushes, fall in love with me through this blog. My last blog totally endeared my ex to me, she is now a blogger who also takes public speaking engagements–and it began with her reading my work. I had given this ex a copy of my CD (a spoken word CD, if you want it, send $12.00 through Paypal using the “Donate” button on the main page sidebar) and she NEVER listened to it. Imagine that. You’re in love with someone and want to be with them apparently, but you don’t listen to or read their work. And keep in mind, this relationship lasted 18 months. Ain’t nobody that damned busy.

All kinds of signs, and boy can we be stupid. Oh boy can I be stupid. We do see them, don’t we? Just don’t heed them.

But enough about her. This article is about this very real lesson, that many just never learn from. It goes like this:  “The grass is, in fact,  greener on the other side. But only because that guy waters his grass.”

We could have the best thing we ever had; they could be beautiful, a great cook, intelligent, attentive, affectionate, caring, selfless, considerate, sensual, good for the ego, and most of all… They love us. They love our dirty draws, and nothing we do bothers them enough to discard the marriage or relationship. Yet for some strange reason, all we seem to notice is that their gut is getting a little big, her tits aren’t as nice as those the girl at the job has, their feet are crusty, his hair is thinning, her finances are thin… So we long for something–someONE else. Somebody we think is better, somebody more fun, a chick with a fatter booty, a guy with a bigger dick, somebody with a great credit rating. Our loved one is no longer a “loved” one, she now gets on our nerves. He spends too much time at your house, you wish the fool would go home, my favorite show is on. There’s all them cuties on Facebook and Tagged, and they require my attention…

Then one day, the one we love is gone. Yeah, now I’m free to smash. Smash the next door neighbor’s sister who’s been up on it since I moved in. Smash that security guard from the job who keeps buying you lunch. Smash that ex who swears the sex will be a marathon like “that one time”…. Life is good, isn’t it?  😉

It isn’t. At 1 a.m., when that new, exciting fling has gone home–or never spent the night because the newness of YOU wore off (just like the newness of your own ex)–you start to thinking about how badly she loved you. You feel bad about how you guys broke up, how she didn’t deserve it, or how happy he really made you. You think about how the quality of life has actually gone down the pipes because you no longer have someone who would sleep in the rain for you, give you their last dime, or how you were their Superman or Wonder Woman. You realize, like many, many exes:  “I fucked up.”

Yes, you did. You had a good thing and you ruined it. And don’t you dare say “I didn’t know what I had”, asshole. You knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it. You thought you could toss it aside, mistreat it, take it for granted, put it on ice–and then go back when you were ready. I’m sorry, life doesn’t work that way. One broken heart turns another. I’ve had my share of breaking hearts, and I’ve paid for it every single time. I’ve had mine broken more than anything, and I have foolishly dismissed playing with others because “After all I’ve been through, I deserve the right to play the heart-breaker this time.” Pure bullshit. That is the lover’s version of Israel’s foreign policy, I get to hurt others because others have hurt me. But like I said, life doesn’t work that way. Get it right the first time, because true love rarely affords you a do-over. Just learn from it, and get it right the next time.

We cheat, we ignore, we abuse mentally/emotionally/physically, we simply take them for granted. In the end, we dispose of a great relationship with someone who loves us deeply in favor of something where love may not even be a factor at all. We aren’t guaranteed to find this level of love again. In fact, if we betrayed our loved one, we probably don’t even deserve another true love. But what the hell do I know? I’m just a guy with 7 failed marriages.

repair a broken heartSo to answer my ex’s question (Mustafa, what do I have to do to get us back like it was before?), which she’d asked many times since we parted ways: Baby, you can’t. My heart is made of very fragile glass and once it breaks you can’t tape it back together with the excuse, the words “I’m sorry.”  Forgiveness is a strong part of relationships, but betrayal is not part of this equation. You can be forgiven, but that doesn’t mean you get to have the same benefits you had before just because you apologized. Murderers apologize, but their crime is permanent, and so is the punishment.

Good luck on your next relationship. Make sure it’s done right the first time.

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Two Types of Lovers

I always say that in love, there are two types of lovers:  Givers and Receivers.

Are there levels in between? I think so. Just as there are those on the far right and far left of this balance. But most people, in my observation, as either Givers or Receivers.

Giver–likes to do for his or her mate. Not just material stuff, but the one who does most of the initiating for sex, for affection, gifts, compliments. This person is often confused with being the one who is “more” in love than the other. But Givers are also the one who most likely will leave a relationship. Givers generally do not ask for what they want. Givers are preoccupied with what they can do to keep and impress their mates, while Receivers, their opposite, are preoccupied with what their mates can do for them.

Receiver–like being “done”. Likes to receive the attention, asks for stuff in the relationship more than the other, seems to be the less affectionate one, seems to be less attentive, less involved, and always gets accused of being uninterested. Receivers have no problem asking for what they want, and are prone to asking for too much. They are not bothered by inconveniencing their mate, and rarely take into account how their mate feels about something because the receiver wants it. Receivers are huge on communication, since it’s important that they let their mate know what they want, but contrary to what they believe–receivers almost never hear what their mates communicate. Most likely to get dumped.

In a relationship or marriage, roles can be reversed. For whatever reason, someone who is normally a Giver may shut down and refuse to give, and take the role of the receiver. It could be out of pain of a past relationship. It could be “retaliation” for some hurt that a past lover inflicted, so the natural Giver is determined not to “give” too much of himself/herself again. It could be out of fear or caution. It could also be a reward for being a “good” woman or man in previous relationships, they feel like Hell, spoil ME for a change. Likewise for the Receiver who ends up being the older mate in a relationship, or the more prosperous one, or perhaps they fall in love harder than in previous marriages, and they want to show the mate the kind of love they normally liked to receive in their past.

And we have the extremes. I call them the True Giver or the True Receiver. The True Giver is one who gives so much of himself or herself, they lose their identity in the relationship and even give up their own desires in the relationship. Things they usually want in the relationship are forgotten, or they convince themselves that they really don’t want it because their mate won’t give it. So rather than face the reality that they are unequally yoked, or that their mate is disappointing (even hurting) them, they pretend not to care just in the name of keeping their mate, and keeping them happy. True Givers will not say what they want, even deny what they want because they don’t want to be refused by their mates. True Givers expect their mates to be mind-readers. They will say what they like and dislike once–and then never ask again. After all, I am here to please you. So tell me what you want, baby, I love you…. And that shit gets old. If the True Giver is never heard, someone will come along and talk sense into the True Giver’s ear and make the True Giver feel that they are being taken advantage of or that their mate is ungrateful. True Givers only appear to not want anything; they are easy to take advantage of, and easy to take for granted.

On the opposite end, we have the True Receiver. The True Receiver–and I have only had the misfortune of being with one once–appears to be perhaps the most selfish person you can meet. The True Receiver only focus on their wants, and almost never thinks about the feelings of their mates. Even if their mates share their desires, the True Receiver has no problem saying “absolutely not”, and refuse the request. Anything asked of the True Receiver is an inconvenience or seems either unreasonable or outrageous. The True Receiver is motivated by pleasure–having fun, feeling important, receiving attention, and feeling wanted. They are the kind who overtakes conversations, cuts their mates off in disagreements, loses their tempers, and threatens to leave. The True Receiver feels as if their mate should be happy to have them, and expect their mates to suppress desires in order to give them what they want. True Receivers are great communicators, and do not hold back feelings, unlike their opposite–who hold back so much, they have nearly a paranoid view of everything they think they see. The True Receiver’s compliments and gifts seem extra special to their mates, because they rarely give them, and in relationships, the True Receiver give pleasure because they have the power to seduce their mates by the mixture of pleasure and pain. Being so self-focused, even when the True Receiver is madly in love, their mates rarely know it and they are prone to being cheated on or dumped because their mates rarely know the deepness of their affections.

In relationships, you must know what kind of person you are and what kind of person your mate is. On top of that, you must also know who is assuming what role in that relationship, regardless of what kind of lover you each naturally are. We have to recognize the signs, talk them out, and learn to read the minds of the mates and decipher what they do and say. Givers seem to be desperate and needy. Receivers seem to be selfish. But the opposite could be true. Receivers could be self-involved because of past experience and they do so as a reward for themselves for past “good behavior”. Givers may give attention and gifts in the effort to force their mates to control them or be indebted to them. Knowing the kind of mate you have will tell you how to manage them and their style of loving you. Knowing yourself will help you modify your own actions so that you do not sabotage your relationship.

And you know, there must be a Part II, Part III and whatever else comes to mind. Stay tuned y’all!

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to the Iraqi mother

come

i must do it again, that natural primal inclination

(after all, she is a woman)

toes stiffen, fists curled, spine shivers, eyes rolled to the back of her head

last time, the tears overflowed like the Euphrates, endlessly

still young; plenty of time—they say, but her empty womb echoes a story

lowers her with a kiss as they bid her:

“come…”

“to the Iraqi mother”

2013

iraqi mother

In honor of a woman I saw interviewed whose second child in two years (? can’t remember the span) was killed via Iraqi “liberation” by our forces. The woman next to her was telling her she was still young enough to have another child. She broke from the interview to say, “I DID have another child!”

By the way, the picture is not of that mother, but it is real. Thanks to our belief that non-American lives are worth less than a gallon of oil–or sweet no-bid contracts–there  is no shortage of mothers losing their children we can put up to illustrate. It is a damn shame, that God, the All-knowing, Merciful One that He is, created Woman to bring gifts into the world, but men, who are her designated protectors, use the power of free will to take them away. When will we learn? (if you want to know more about her, the woman’s name is Wafaa Hussein. Her child was 6 when he was hit by a sniper:  READ MORE HERE)

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In Honor of Women’s History Month…

I am going to attempt to…. (drum rolls)

Pen 20 poems in honor or women.

#thatisall

 

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