Treat Em Right!

Dear Akamo:

In your many marriages, what was the one thing that went wrong, or what was the most repeated problem? Basically, what does a sister need to do to keep your interest?

KC

Response:

Funny you should ask. I was recently pondering over this subject when ear-hustling a conversation between a young couple. They couldn’t have been much older than 20. Still wet behind the ears, but I see that the young man had a genuine interest in the sister and wanted to “get it right”. Yay for young love!

I can’t summarize my failed marriages into one problem, other than the fact that I chose women that I was completely incompatible with. But marriage is not about compatibility, in my opinion. We all have our similarities and differences, and the survival of a relationship depends on how well we connect with our similiarities and how we deal with our differences. Doesn’t matter if I like seafood and she likes red meat–where we differ should not hurt our feelings for each other nor should it affect our willingness to stay together. I think the only place we should be “compatible” is in how we manage our relationships–how we handle arguments and disagreements, how well we respect each other’s differing opinions on things like discipline of the kids, and rules with the household, religion and lifestyle, etc. If we can find a common ground there, we are “compatible”. All else is irrelevant.

That said, here are the things that went wrong in my marriages. They overlap my marriages, some things were more damaging in one but not the others, stuff like that:

  • Ungratefulness–this is one that I really find intolerable. I am good to you and your children, bust my ass providing and maintaining a comfortable, loving home, but the second you get mad at me, you swear I haven’t done anything for you. I have been a stepfather in each one of my marriages–an attentive one at that–and yet each woman when we were “going through it” swore that my role as stepfather was unnecessary or irrelevant. And get this:  each time we split up, I am always told that I was missed, and they’ve asked me to continue being a “good Dad”. Ditto that for being the provider, being a lover and friend, and trying to be a good husband.
  • Yelling and fighting–I will not stay with a woman who yells, argues, throws things, has tantrums, and otherwise cannot control herself. In all six marriages, I had hot-tempered women who embarassed me at my job, in public, and destroyed my belongings. My children witnessed my last two wives do the same only a few times. No woman who treats a calm, non-combative man will keep him, period. I’m sorry, but I have too many options and my self-esteem is too high for me to put up with this crap. If you have a shitty man, fight all you want. But if you have a good man, just know that mistreating him will get rid of him with the quickness. There are too many women who know how to treat a brother for him to stay with your spoiled ass.
  • Insulting and name-calling–baby, how old did you say you were? Would you like me to slap you in the mouth? Well, insulting and engaging in name-calling is the same thing as physical abuse. The difference is that years after the abuse occurs, the emotional abuse still stings, while the bruises of a well-placed (and sometimes well-deserved) punch in the mouth have disappeared. I have the capacity to be an abuser, but I will never stay around long enough to actually become one. My exes are prone to being abused by their husbands, and I honestly believe these sisters looked at me as a “punk” because I never did it. There were times, however, I would have been justified in doing it–it’s just not me. Good luck with that.
  • Threatening to screw other men–yeah, you read that right (pick your jaw back up)–I’ve had women threaten to fuck other men when they got mad at me. Woman, are you serious? You think you’ll keep a husband when you allow some shit like this to come out of your mouth? Check this:  I even had a bitch tell me she screwed two dudes while we were married, yet she still sends me “I miss our good times/you were a good husband” bullshit emails and text messages late at night. You must be kidding. Who is teaching these women the secrets to keeping a man? Good lord.
  • Taking your frustrations out on my children–mm hmm. They would come home and yell at my kids. I put a stop to that shit real quick. This is what led to the end of my last two marriage. My children only have one childhood, and I’ll be damned if I let some temporary broad ruin it. If I marry you, you’re here for life. But violate one of the deal-breaking no-nos, and you’re as temporary as a U.S. President’s promises.

Boy did I put my stuff on blast! Well, you came here for honesty and you got it. Thanks for visiting my blog.

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9 Comments

Filed under Marriage + Love

9 responses to “Treat Em Right!

  1. There’s so much I could say but I will just say, I completely understand.

  2. sincerely

    it almost sounds like you played very little part in your relationships that could use altering, And that you might almost be a victim (even if only of poor decision making).. are there things you yourself as a man might consider altering as you have grown over the years, other then maybe taking a lot more time to really observe and get to know a woman before marrying again?

  3. Naseer

    Asa bro, the prophet Muhammad (pbuh) once said that hell will use ungrateful wives as fuel for the hellfire. You’re a good brother with a good reputation and character, and I’d even be honored to have you as an in law (too bad I don’t have a third sister LOL). Inshallah these ex’s of yours will get it right. You just keep being you and you’ll get a good one Im sure of it, just don’t let it mess you up and don’t give up! And keep spreading the good words Mustafa! Peace and blessings.

  4. This was so great! I enjoyed it and have always looked up to you especially in regard to your children and you had the right to make sure no one messed up your children’s childhood. I was the same with my children as a single parent and did not give a damned what anyone had to say about it! I have had 3 marriages as well and I must admit my lack of patience and tolerance had a lot to do with the 3. Since my children’s Dad died about 9 years ago I have have been a more understanding woman, I have been a more patient woman taking the good with the bad but earlier on I only wanted the good which was one sided and I admit that. I believe as an older woman now that a lot of us females don’t know how to treat a man because of past bad relationships and just like a lot of males have never had a real father or male-figure around so few of us had an example of a women who was caring and patient and talked in a loving manner to their man to go by. (Not to be used as a excuse to just be out of control to our men but we have not had a lot of examples either.) A lot of us have had to harden ourselves just not to be crushed or taken for granted but some of us have totally forgotten how to lay that hardness down too, to thank a good man and give him his props! I’m glad I have softened up but it took the death of my kids Dad and we were no longer together to make me re-evaluate a lot of my past behaviors to take note of it myself and change things for the next man and I did that with Gregg and I can say whole-heartedly that I have been a much better woman taking the good and the bad, of that change I am proud of myself and to me to be proud of me that’s contentment in me! I thank God for talking to my spirit and showing me things that I need to change within myself and I hope a lot of sisters would give a real man his props instead of thinking of them as punks and weak because they aren’t abusive and thug like men! I applaud all of you that have your own identity and I applaud all of you men that have given theri children the best gift ever “A FATHER” not by title but an honest- to-God Dad! If you never hear it from another female I send out this shout to you all! You all know who you are!

  5. Mary

    I too agree that alot of us didnt have alot of good relationships to look at and learn from but…. doesnt that make what we are showing our own children and in my case grandchildren how to treat each other even more important.
    It has taken me alot of years two marriages and lots of men to finally understand “I can only fix me” if you start out with I like that and that and I can surely change that, Get out now You can only change how you preceive and deal with others not how they act or feel.
    There are plenty of good men and woman out there it is crazy how they seem to have such a hard time connecting with each other but when they do as friends, lovers, or a married couple it truely is amazing to observe and even better to be part of
    I am very thankful to the men who in my life are stand up and good fathers, husbands, and friends. And no matter how many times we get it wrong Mo it is worth the gamble when we finally get it right. If it is for a lifelong friendship or the love of our life it is soooo worth the gamble, hurt and time
    No matter how many bumps along the way I would never want to miss the ride

  6. This would be a GREAT place for a “Like” button (like on facebook) – cause “Patricia” said it perfectly!

  7. Bette

    It is true that women who mistreat their husbands/partners should be either reasoned with or if this proves futile, they should be divorced of broken up with. However, from my understanding of what you wrote, it seems that you gravitate toward these bad seeds. Maybe before blaming the women you claim are ‘abusive’ you should take a long hard look at yourself and evaluate why you seem so attracted to these women with obvious issues. The fact that you have children should make you more careful whom you allow into your life and into your home.

    • agreed. I have identified that I am not picking them well. regardless of who I find now, I have to just not pick any at all to give my children time to recover from their experiences.

      thanks for reading my blog!

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