One thing I’ve learned in six failed marriages is how to recognize when a woman really doesn’t love me. Especially by me being a “nice guy”–the kind of man who puts my woman and her needs before my own–I would get used and taken for granted, mistreated and disrespected. And even when the love is gone, I will treat her with respect and take care of her as if I did love her. Most of the time, I knew this woman didn’t love anyone but herself. Some of the times, I knew when they loved another man. But what do we do when we are in love? We ignore the bad signs, we happily misconstrue what appears to be “good” signs, we magnify the good signs, and we go on with the marriage as if it was a good one (even pretending to friends and family that everything is going A-okay) until our spouse actually leaves.
Notice, I did not say “until our spouse says he/she doesn’t want us”. Because you and me both know that she can say “I don’t want to be here/I don’t love you” and we will still fight for that marriage. I get it. I just didn’t get it then.
So to save you from heartache and heartbreak, I want to share with you some of the major signs that your spouse loves you, without a doubt, and you tell ME if I’m on the money:
- He puts you before himself. Your spouse is more concerned with your happiness than his own. When a man loves a woman, he doesn’t want to eat out if you’re on peanut butter sandwiches. He will put you in the nice ride, and he’ll drive the hoopty (or catch the bus/walk to work… boy have I done this many times!). He will wear clothes from Walmart in order to see you in the Nordstrom threads. He may be selfish, but when a man loves a woman, he is only selfish on her behalf. On the contrary, he is never selfish with his woman. He will put his boys on hold for you, or try to take you with him when he’s with his boys. A man in love takes his woman to fight parties. When he’s not “as” in love, he leaves her at home and gets mad when she tries to go. Here’s the thing: If he tells you he needs “space” away from you, his actions say that other commitments and people are more than you, that you are asking for too much of his time–believe him, at least he’s telling you the truth. There are brothers out here who don’t need space. There are guys who will put you on a pedestal and put you first. And those men are not on the same level as the one who’s letting you down. You only need to decide which one you want to be with.
- He thinks you’re more beautiful than Beyoncè. Now, I have married a woman I didn’t think was the prettiest girl in the neighborhood, but that was rare. Other than that, each time I married a woman, I was madly in love (or so I thought) and no one could tell me that my girl wasn’t the finest of the fine mamma jammas. I can’t imagine a guy in love thinking some other chick is better looking than his girl, as immature and sophomorish as it sounds. But I am telling you the truth: Even if he thought it were true, a man in love with a woman would NEVER admit another woman is more attractive or desirable than his wife. Have you ever seen good-looking brothers with so-so looking women and wondered “how the hell did he get with her?” How about sexy women with big, fat men and wondering if he was rich? They were in love. When you love a woman, her beauty is magnified like you wouldn’t believe, and only he understands why that is. A man who loves his woman will tell her she is gorgeous on the regular, and will do it so much that she either believes it too–or she think’s he’s blind. And she’s right, he is; he is love-blind. Leave it alone, and let him do this thing. You wanted a man who adores you, and you got it. (Edit: He will never make you jealous or do anything that might make you jealous. He will broadcast that he is with the cream of the crop while he’s with you to avoid confusion, because he is conscientious of how you feel and how things appear.)
- He will bust his behind to keep his word. I don’t want to play the brothers to the left by saying that a man in love will “always” keep his word. I know things come up. But you ever see a guy who will not take a day off of work for anything? He will go to work sick as a dog and they have to send him home to recover? Yeah, it’s like that. A man who loves his woman will bust his ass to keep his promises, and even when he is forgetful, he will do his best to make it up to you when he falls on the job. I am talking about the kind of guy who doesn’t make plans on Saturday because his wife owns that day. The kind of man who races home straight from work, and skips hanging with the homies. Letting down your woman is almost as bad as letting down your kids. Real men don’t fail in this department.
- He will travel 50 miles to change your tire. Or something like that. The point is that a man who loves his woman will cross burning sands for her, and distance and time means nothing to him. It’s 11 at night, and he’s in the bed about to drift off to sleep. You have a craving for vanilla ice cream and all you have is butter pecan. Your man, if he really loves you, will throw on some sweats and cruise the 7-11 stores until he finds one that has vanilla. And not just vanilla–the brand you like.
- He likes puplo ceviche because you like pulpo ceviche. For those who don’t know, pulpo ceviche is a salad made with octopus. And for you hard-core ceviche fans, it’s raw. A man who loves his wife to no end will enjoy things just because she likes them. He develops a taste for things that his woman likes because he loves her that much–so much, he wants to enjoy the things she enjoys. Now, I’m not saying that you both can’t have differing palates. However, a man that loves a woman will try to have a different outlook on things because of her and he will try to see the world through her eyes. Maybe he won’t try the octopus. But he will try the Italian dish with the tentacles. Or start listening to country music. Or start wearing ties or watching chick flicks. You get it. It’s like having a wife who can referee a boxing match–she didn’t even like boxing before she met him. But hey, she’s in love.
- He knows what pulpo ceviche is! When a man loves a woman, he will try to learn everything about her. He will develop an attachment to her family–her siblings, he parents, her cousins. He learns all he can about her upbringing, her ethnicity, her family life, her religion. He might even begin going to her church, or learning to speak her language. His friends will laugh at him and accuse him of “changing”. And you know what? He is! He is turning into her man. When a man has no interest in who she is and who she was, and where she came from–he doesn’t really love her. Hate to be negative, but you came to AskAkamo to get the truth, right? Edit: He also wants your family’s approval–your mom (who may not like him), your children, your friends. And he will do anything to get on their good side. The idea is, if they are a part of you, he wants them to be a part of him too.
- He is always kind, and never mad. Okay, don’t beat me up. Maybe we do get mad. But when a man loves a woman like crazy, it takes a lot for his woman to make him mad. Men who love their wives will actually avoid getting mad by apologizing, giving in during debates, keeping his mouth shut rather than speak his mind. He is actually afraid of making her mad, and he will bend over backward to prevent his woman from being displeased with him. But even when he is mad–a man will be kind and respectful to his wife. He will never yell at her or call her names, or ever purposely give her a reason to cry. He may have an iron hand, with all others, but with his woman he slips on a velvet glove to avoid cracking her accidentally.
- All his friends know you. I have seen brothers hide his woman from his friends. Actually, with #5 and #6, I was one of them. It’s because those women embarassed me. They would say stuff my friends will cut glances at each other over and wonder, “what the hell was that all about?” On the contrary, he will show you off to his friends, he wants his family to know and like you, he talks about you constantly to them. Men who are hiding their women have a motive for doing so. Perhaps they don’t want to be seen with you. Or they are hiding what they are doing from you. Who knows? But a man who loves his woman will make sure everyone loves her too.
- He hides your faults. He doesn’t want other people thinking ill of you, so he will cover your faults. He will do his best to paint a perfect picture of who you are. Notice I said, “paint a picture”, and not “change”. He wants people to see only your best qualities, but he still loves you as is. A man who tries to change a woman does not really love her as-is. He may love what he thinks she can be, but he doesn’t really love who she is. When he loves her, he loves her the way she is–overweight, chipped tooth, bad hair days, working the low-paying job, uneducated, broken English–you name it. He loves you just how you are. He doesn’t need the highlights to hide the gray. He doesn’t think you need to drop 40 pounds. He thinks you’re perfect. Love is a funny thing. You can be imperfect, but still be “perfect”. All you need to be is perfect for him, and he believes that you are.
- He jumps out the bushes at you. LOL LOL Okay! I just mean he is always thinking of you and wants to surprise you. He pops up at your job, not to catch you with the guy from the mail room–but to see you. When you go to email him, there is already an email in your inbox. When you reach for the phone to text him, his message to you comes in while you’re typing. You both seem to be on the same wavelength. You have a craving for shrimp, he calls and says he’s thinking of cooking shrimp. He is thoughtful, considerate, and always has you on his mind. Not only does he tell you, but he shows it. You don’t need to ask what’s going on in his mind, because you already know it.
And let me say this: if you’ve ever had this, you must reciprocate in order to keep it. I am sure you have experienced one or some or all of these signs. If not, I hope you do one day. It’s a great experience, and I think we are all deserving of it. Thanks for visiting my blog.