Daily Archives: July 13, 2011

7 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband


Take it from a guy that’s been married–and divorced–six times. I know what the hell I’m talking about, honey… If you violate any of the following, I can make like a palm reader and guarantee you single-dom is gonna be in the star charts for you. These are things you cannot take back, unless you can somehow erase his memory. Women aren’t very good at swinging punches and bruising their husbands. No, your words do that. And worse than bruising skin, you will bruise egos, puncture hearts, and destroy confidence. That, my friends, is irreversible damage. Well… Let’s not waste time and get right into it, shall we?

  1. My Last Boyfriend…. better.  Oh yeah, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare compare him. Compare him to the last guy and say the the last guy was anything remotely close to better, and you might as well prepare the divorce papers. Not that he will leave you immediately, but you are laying the groundwork to believing that you think of your last guy. If you are going to bring up the last guy (or next-to-last, or next-to-next-to-last), you better follow it up with “was not as good as you”. And not just sex:  this is for anything, singing voice, intelligence, humor, looks, you name it. Don’t violate.
  2. ARE YOU FUCKING HER??? Either you trust him or you don’t. Seriously, is this a question you think he’s going to answer truthfully if he is? Look, if you suspect that he’s fooling around, play stupid and then catch him. When he thinks you are clueless he will get sloppy. After all, he’s a man. We aren’t very good liars, mostly. We become calculating and conniving when we believe we have reason to be. And trust me, a guy who is cheating on a good woman isn’t very smart to begin with, and he will make a mistake. Now, what if you’re wrong? You now have a man who is terribly offended that his woman accused him of being a cheat. He may forgive, but he won’t forget–and it will hurt your marriage. Let your suspicions and insecurities remain as that–suspicions and insecurities–until you have concrete proof. And if that ever happens, burn that motha down. You have justification.
  3. Your Dick is Too Small. Trust me, ladies, for every dick a woman claims is too small, another woman will tell him that dick is just right, is the “beast”, is made of gold. I hope you aren’t married to a man who screws you for his nut, do you? I mean, we aren’t in high school anymore! Most men will fuck you for your orgasm, and the more he can make you cum, the more he will screw your brains out. Insult his sexual skills, and I guarantee you that he will be self-conscious that he can’t do it. This is one of those things where our dick is the master, and our self-esteem is externally controlled. When a woman is good at faking it, we will try to wear the ass out all night. When a woman is laughing at a dick, it is very hard to get it up. Then you have the borderline cheaters, who just need a reason. There are many men who cheat just for “practice”–they need to prove it to themselves. Don’t give him a reason. Most men don’t want to have sex with a woman they don’t feel like they can please. Instead, make suggestions, but never insult. It’s like a man who tells you that you’re getting too fat, versus a man who says, “come on baby, let’s go to the gym and get our beach bodies back!”. It’s all in how you say it.
  4. Let me call my (male) friend so-n-so, he can fix it! Oh hell no, NO YOU DI-INT! Did you just suggest he call YOUR male friend–another man–to do something for him? Okay, we ain’t all mechanics. Let him find the mechanic, let him talk to the guy, let him work out the details. But please, don’t bring a man from your circle to do his job! I tell you what, I’m not feeling this new outfit, let me call Miss so-n-so from my job and get her advice on what I should wear. Yeah, baby, it’s kinda like that.
  5. Call him a nasty name. My last three wives violated this terribly. I have never yelled at one of my women, not even when we divorced. I will punch a guy in the nose in a minute, but I would never assail my woman. If she will do that to me, I lose respect for her. I really lose respect for her. Most men keep their women on a pedastal, if he loves her, right next to his Momma and his sister. If he could say something like that to you, he would say it to his Momma or his sister too–and there is something fundamentally wrong with that. If you do it to him, you will no longer be on that pedastal. Do you know what you become? A bitch. That piece of shit whore I’m fucking until I can save up enough money to leave… Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Well, in his mind, you are no longer the woman on the pedastal with his mother and sister, and you are not his wife. At least that’s what he’s feeling. And once you have been taken off the mantle, you can never get back up there. Yeah, for the kids’ sake, he may fake it, but you are nothing more than the ex girl he can’t afford to leave. There is a level of respect that must be observed with a passion. Remember that.
  6. I want a divorce. I have said to my last three wives:  “Don’t ever threaten to leave a man that’s been divorced three/four/five times.” I mean it baby, divorce ain’t shit to a man these days. No one will commit to a woman who is not completely committed to him. And if you’re threatening to bail out everytime you get mad, there will come a time he’s hoping you put your money where your mouth is. Find other ways to discuss your problems or express your feelings. Quitting, my dear, is not an option. Once quitting becomes an option, it becomes–well–an option.
  7. I hate you.  Oh yeah, fling those arrows. You obviously don’t want a husband. See, women who make it to their 40s without a husband often are the type who will say shit to their man that they would never dream of saying to a co-worker or friend… not even a stranger! Where do you get this crap from? The man who shares your bed is not worthy of respect? The man who has put you in his will is not worthy of unconditional love? When you love someone, there are certain things you don’t do–like deny your love for them. Isn’t this one of the most hurtful things Jesus’ apostles did to him? Deny him? I don’t love you-in fact I hate you. I never loved you. I was tricking you. I played you. I was only after your money. I only wanted to get close to you to screw your sister. Can you imagine moving forward to loving me after I’ve said that to you? Don’t deny your love for your man–ever. Or you won’t have him very long.

I hope you take these simple rules to task. Now I didn’t say they were easy–I just said they are simple. But violate them, and I guarantee you divorce (or an unhappy marriage). Please leave feedback under comments. Thanks for visiting my blog!

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