Top 8 Things Holding Back the Black Man, Part II (The Momma’s Boy)

I know it’s been a while. I have been working on my business so I’ve had to cut out a lot of things in order to get it going–and this blog is one of them.

This is the second installment of the “8 Things Holding Back the Black Man”:  The Momma’s Boy. I chose this item as the first in the list because it is perhaps the biggest enemy of the Black Man. Not the White Man; the Momma’s Boy, in other words, the Black Man himself. This is what I said in the first article about the “Momma’s Boy”:

We have too many “Momma’s Boys”.  This is perhaps the biggest problem we face. The man is the head of the household, the nurturer, the leader, the provider, the teacher, the guide, the protector, and the sacrificial lamb of the community. If any of these roles is not filled, the whole process of having a community/family/people are out of balance and miscombobulated. I consider any man who does not fill each and every role enthusiastically to be less than a man, and therefore a “Momma’s Boy”. And boy do I know this one well. I live in California–the Mecca of the Momma’s Boy.

I define a “Momma’s Boy” as any man who 1. cannot be relied upon to handle the family’s needs–let alone his own–and 2. a man who, if it weren’t for a woman would be homeless.

Simple enough?

Now, by that definition, I bet you can just go on naming a whole bunch of Momma’s Boys, am I right? That pretty much sums it up, and I came up with that one all by myself! This is one of the things that pisses me off when I encounter it. You run into them all the time. Men who can’t hold down a job. Brothers who can’t wipe their own asses, let alone keep it clean. Brothers who need his woman to tell him that he stinks, or change his clothes, or needs a women to clean his house. The kind of asshole who maybe keeps a job, but he isn’t good for much more than that. The selfish brothers who know nothing of sacrifice and yielding. (In my religion of Islam, we have a ton of brothers like this, who hide behind hadith to avoid doing what a man should do)  The kind of dude who makes a mess when he eats (leftover bad habits from childhood) and gets up from the table without cleaning up after himself or picking up his plate. The kind of guy who always ends up living with his parents, friends or a woman because he is incapable of taking care of himself. The type of brother who has never had electricity, cable, a lease, a phone–in his own name.

You know who I’m talking about. Some of you are laughing because you are probably married to one of these cats, or living with one (or he’s living with you) right now.

Well, like I said, the Black community has too many of these brothers. How can a community prosper when its family structure is out of whack? How can a family prosper when its man is out of whack? We are a community with no leaders, because the men who are supposed to be leading are sleeping on someone’s couch right now.

I have a theory about why there are so many Momma’s Boys in the Black Community:

  • Women started this crap, with the “I-got-my-own-job-and-my-own-pussy-so-all-a-man-can-do-is-fuck-me” shit. Not only did you let your children’s fathers off the hook when you shouldn’t have (every unmarried first time father is going to be nervous), you kept fucking him. And then  every other sister out there kept fucking him, despite that he’s a shitty man. So this brother learned that he could skip his responsiblities and still get laid.
  • In doing so, you have taught your sons that a man isn’t necessary to run a family. Why should he be a good man when you didn’t require one yourself?
  • Women keeping their sons as babies all the way into adolescence, so they never learned to be men. By the time they were supposed to transition, they didn’t know how.
  • You didn’t get married.
  • If you did get married, your husband didn’t take on your son as his own.
  • These young men didn’t have any responsible grown men around to serve as models.
  • No one taught these brothers what being a man is all about. But you sho taught him how to be a pimp, how to dress to impress, and how to dance, didn’t you?
  • He grew up listening to bullshit–often the same bullshit YOU listened to–and his dumb ass didn’t know how to distinguish between reality and fiction. Hell, you even allowed him to dress gangsta and get cornrows like Snoop Dogg. Difference:  Snoop Dogg was playing a character, just like your son. But at least he has the money to get out of character, your son thought that shit was for real.
  • He grew up to become the same kind of dude you liked to fuck with.
  • Sisters were attracted more to the way a man matched the shit in the movies. If he wore a suit and went to work every day, you didn’t want him because he didn’t have an “edge”. There was a benefit to having an “edge”… or to just look like you did.
  • You never put responsibilities and goals on him as a young man, so he had none.
  • You bought into the bullshit that “college ain’t for everyone”, yeah, it especially ain’t for losers. You didn’t set the standard, so he can’t meet any.

Enough of the scolding. What can we do about it?

  1. We need to start educating our young men and women. Give them the same old-school standards of living our parents had. We’ve only lost the last two generations, don’t lose a third. The problems stops right now.
  2. As parents and family members, we need to guide our lost loved ones. They need to know that they are losers, and here’s how you’re going to rescue yourself…
  3. If we have a sister who is dealing with a piece of crap, brothers, YOU approach that asshole and tell him to step off. She obviously won’t do it, so you have to take the initiative. Set standards and put your foot down. If you have to administer an ass-whipping, call me, I’ll round up the boys.
  4. We all need to be on a job search for our friends and families. Many of these brothers don’t know how to look for jobs and have no self-confidence and self-esteem.
  5. You gotta tell your boys to stop looking for pussy. The reason your relationships are unsuccessful is because you are not in a position to maintain a relationship. Good women don’t want broken men who don’t have their stuff together. Get yourself together, and then find a worthy woman. Men have to tell each other that, besides encouraging them to just “knock down” another one.
  6. You need to return back to a relationship with God and join a religious community. At this point Black folks, any church will do. If you want the right way to live, look to Islam. Even the NOI rescued the Black Community during the Depression, and that isn’t the full religion. Black men need a guide for living, and a standard must be established.
  7. If you are a single woman, it’s time to find a good, rooted and strong family man to lead you and the kids. Maybe some people are making it work, but trust me, this crap ain’t working. Build a family; it’s that important.
  8. Read “Countering the Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys”, by Jawanzaa Kunjufu. It’s a great start. It’s time to understand the system that is destroying our men, and what to do about it.
  9. Get your sons into a mentoring program–a MANHOOD mentoring program.
  10. Get your finances together and develop a plan to getting our community financially responsible. Once we are working on that, these men need to support their children.
  11. Don’t accept anything less than the best from the men around you. Brothers need to keep ourselves and our fellow brothers in check as well.

I don’t want to beat up Black Men; American media does a good job of doing that already. But we need to understand that what we call men are not acting like men. We are acting like boys, still looking to a woman to do what we should be doing. We have too much pride to get ourselves out of our situation. We would rather not work at all, than take certain jobs. We spend on bs rather than pay off bills. We eat out, we buy clothes unnecessarily, we go to movies, clubs and bars–but we don’t do anything for ourselves and our community fiscally. Many of us don’t even pay off the debts that we promised to pay. How can anyone rely on us to lead and care for them when our word is not even reliable?

When the Black Man begins to act like a man, the community will start to operate like a family. And a family is like five fingers, balled into a fist:  it is tight, impenetrable, and powerful.

Thank you for visiting my blog.

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6 Comments

Filed under Message to the Black Man

6 responses to “Top 8 Things Holding Back the Black Man, Part II (The Momma’s Boy)

  1. toya

    wow yiu deserve a standing ovation..well put and very true

  2. Miss Jean

    I always come back and read this article, it sums up my life story. Im 30 with 2 children & married to mommas boy.

    Were both educated, with masters degrees.
    Im self-employed, I own a warehouse, but he cannot do anything, aside from piggybacking off me.

    He left the marriage 11 months ago, when I challenged him to support us. I had two small babies, and my warehouse was going under.

    These are his 2 biological children, but he cannot do anything to support us, let alone himself. Yes! now he’s sleeping on his momma couch, in the basement!

    N to go a step farther with ur article, his mother should have kicked him out.
    Y is it When you challenge these brothers to grow the hell up or have a hard bed, their mothers fluff the pillows,spray febreeze & keep it soft?

    these men should be stoned, the bible says a man who does not take care of his family is lower than a embesol…. whatever scum that is!

    And note the biblical term of family was wife, but lets apply that to modern society, baby mamas, kids etc.

    Y are black brothas skipping out on their children? Wives? Family????

    Ive had enough with the subpar black man. I want my two sons, to know that real men love their families & work.

    An old man told me, that a man should work his whole life. Do you get that?
    His WHOOOLLLEEEE life. thats a lot of work.

    Im good, my warehouse is back flowing. Babies getting bigger. I know many women just like me.
    Gotta bring home the bread to their HUSBANDS or they dont eat.
    Doctors, Lawyers, Busines women. All of which have a husband, but he cant do nothing.

    I dont know y, black men have given up on this thing called working.
    Providing. Being a grown ass man.

    But oh yea baby, they can fuck. Make another soon to be bastard chile, that they cant afford to buy a pair of free $1.00 socks for.

    Im not bitter, I’ve just had enough & I want better for my sons, the next generation. I dont want them to think for the first moment, that this is how a man operates.

    Not all black men. For for the ones that are sorry as hell,
    SHAME ON YOU!

    • Wow. Thank you for the post!

      And that is the result of a Momma’s Boy, folks… families that have to fend for themselves. Shout out to you guys and your mothers, who most likely raised you that way…

  3. aja harris

    wow this is very true. I see this in my community, family,and even peers. I’m so over it. It’s very sad and I hate that there isn’t anything positive going on with brothers I swear and if there is it is only a very small percentage. I just don’t know what are we going to do? What are we going to do or more like what are black men going to do?

    • thank you! I wish I knew. The only thing I can do is reach out to the few who are in my circle and get the word out… I guess that’s all any of us can do.

      Every city has some sort of mentoring program–from children to single dads to programs bringing “deadbeat” (I hate that word being used for absentee fathers, who are trying to be involved–but that’s a different story) Dads. We should definitely get behind them and support them, even if only from the outside!

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