To the Boy Who Thinks He Wants to Marry My Daughter (And my sons who want to one day get married too)

Dear Boy Who Think He Wants to Marry My Daughter,

I guess you think wanting my daughter to be your wife is a compliment. Well, as the saying goes… NOT! You’ve got some learning to do, and I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. Take heed to this advice, and learn it well. Maybe, if you pay close attention to detail, and follow this wisdom to the “T”… you might get lucky:

  • My daughter is the prettiest girl in the world. Prettier than your mother. Prettier than your sisters. Prettier than the bimbos at your job. Conduct yourself accordingly, and learn to keep her in the place she rightfully deserves.
  • I only have one, and you will treat her like the valuable, delicate treasure that she is. Break her, and your ass is mine.
  • Nigga, pull your pants up.
  • You must complete your education, and learn about as much stuff as you can about the world. She gets bored very easy, and if you don’t have anything to say in a conversation to keep her interest, you aren’t much use, are you?
  • The second reason for you to complete your education is so that you can get a decent job to keep her standard of living high. She is my baby, and my baby has received everything from me that she has ever asked for, except for a horse and a pet monkey. Your job is to make enough money to buy her that horse and pet monkey.
  • Understand that you are her second choice for a husband. Since she was 5 years old, she has swore that she’d never move out and would marry me when she grew up. Drop the ball, and she will at least be moving back home. I need you to realize, that as second choice, you are very, very fortunate to have her.
  • She likes cucumber-scented soap and fruit-scented lotions.
  • She loves scary movies and will watch them when you go to sleep when told not to. Then she will sleep in your room for the next 30 days after watching them.
  • I didn’t spank her enough when she was little, so she’s a little spoiled. You are NOT allowed to spank her, and therefore you are stuck with her attitude.
  • Every girl needs at least one male friend who is not trying to sleep with her. If you are unwilling to be that friend to her first, then you’re not man enough to marry my daughter.
  • Know it or not, she is a princess, and must always have her way. Even when her way is wrong, or she doesn’t get her way–it’s a good idea to make her think she’s getting her way. Trust me.
  • You need to get a good job, and if you don’t make enough money, get a second job.
  • She has never asked Santa Claus for shit. We don’t do Sandy Claws. She has always asked me for stuff, and I will condition her to start asking YOU for stuff. If she starts asking ME for stuff again, I’m going to yank you up to ask why she’s asking ME. Negro, you supposed to be the man.
  • As soon as you marry her (considering that you ever become man enough to become a Gatdula man), I will start spending my savings account. Start a “Plan B” account for just-in-cases. Daddy is not “Plan B”.
  • And if you are lucky enough to gain permission to marry my baby girl, you become a “Gatdula-Westray man”. The tradition is for you to change your last name, let me shave your head, and get in the cut so I can give you “3 for the Founders”.
  • If you don’t know what “3 for the Founders” means, you aren’t man enough to be my son-in-law. (www.pbs1914.org)
  • And you are not allowed to call me “Daddy/Dad/Pops”. You aren’t man enough to call me that. Pull your pants up, homie.
  • I am writing this for you, not my Facebook friends. So, you must recognize the Oneness of God, all of God’s Prophets–including Muhammad pbuh, and believe in the Shahadah. If you are not a practicing, believing Muslim, you may not marry my daughter. Period.
  • You need to learn some Black History. And some Asian history. And some African History. And some Hispanic History. And some European History. Especially Black History. Know yourself.
  • Learn to speak Spanish and Tagalog. Cause we’re going to talk about you behind your back.
  • “Niglish” is not a language in our house. Take that grill out your mouth.
  • Learn how to balance a check book, file taxes, create a budget plan, open a business, hustle up some money if you end up out of work.
  • Be too proud to beg. My daughter wants a man who can get his. If you are ever out of work, you need to learn to create wealth.
  • If you have sorry friends, you ain’t man enough for my daughter. Hang around guys who make you look good, and have a lifestyle you want for yourself.
  • Be convicted in whatever political stance you take. And it better be conservative.
  • Learn how to tie a tie, shine shoes, detail a car, iron clothes, make gravy from scratch, name names from your family tree going back at least 3 generations, and how to buy a suit.
  • All her whining is a blessing. So don’t complain about it, be happy. That’s how she expresses herself.
  • Learn how to use tools. Fix a car, change a light bulb, assemble toys and furniture, repair a vacuum cleaner. If my daughter has to call me to do stuff like that (or call in another man to do stuff like that), what does she need you for?
  • You must own tools. Period.
  • You must spend more money each month paying people that you owe money to, than you spend on your wardrobe and entertainment, until your accounts payable department has a zero balance.
  • The solution to all problems begin and end with prayer. You start with asking for directions. You finish by thanking him and asking for forgiveness. This is the reason we have morning prayer (fajr) and night prayers (isha). Using any other method of problem-solving that does not include this is a waste of time.
  • My daughter likes fencing and karate and boxing. You need to learn it. I don’t want her married to a guy who can’t have her back in a fight.
  • My daughter likes to be told how smart she is, how beautiful she is, and to be forgiven for her faults. If you aren’t capable of doing this, you might want to look at somebody else’s daughter.
  • My daughter is not allowed to wear tight jeans. And the same rule applies to her husband.
  • My daughter is not allowed to listen to music with profanity in it. If you do, you might want to grow up and think about what level of maturity you’re on. Certainly, you didn’t expect to impress her with your taste in music.
  • We don’t do “thug love”.
  • We don’t drink, smoke or use any form of drugs… even weed. If you do, good luck with that.
  • My daughter is extremely jealous, and that is because she is a princess. Did I mention that? She does not have any competition. She will NOT compete. Period. Remember, you were second choice.
  • She likes to travel. Note: Going to the Bay is NOT traveling.
  • She doesn’t eat dog food. I hope you weren’t planning to feed her junk from some fast food chain. Learn how to cook.
  • She doesn’t barbeque. That is a man’s job. Learn how to fire up a grill, and do BBQ the old fashioned way. Maybe one day, when you’re man enough, I will allow you to turn the hotdogs or something. When I’m not around, you may use the grill (even at your house). But Daddy’s around, go in the house and watch TV or something. There are steaks waiting for me to work my magic. I am the only BBQ chef around here.
  • I will dote on your children, like it or not. That’s because before they were your kids, they were my grandkids. And don’t worry, goodies and toys don’t spoil kids–failing to give them rules, boundaries, expectations, and consequences spoil kids. So stop poking your lips out, I’m not spoiling them.
  • I am not a baby sitter. You need to hire one.
  • Pull your pants up.
  • When the kids are mad at you, they will call me. When my daughter is mad at you, they will call me. But the difference is that when the kids call me, I get em what they want. When my daughter calls me, I will get her what she wants, and then talk about you like a dog. Get used to it.
  • When I get old, do not put me in an old folk’s home. I’m moving in with you. And you better not complain about it. Trust me, I am a bitch to live with!
  • When I die, you can have the Infiniti. But only if one of my sons don’t want it. Or one of your kids don’t want it. Or my daughter doesn’t want it. Or one of my brothers or my sister don’t want it. And you’re first on the list.

Commit this to memory, and if you have questions, feel free to ask me for more advice.

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8 Comments

Filed under Marriage + Love

8 responses to “To the Boy Who Thinks He Wants to Marry My Daughter (And my sons who want to one day get married too)

  1. “Understand that you are her second choice for a husband. Since she was 5 years old, she has swore that she’d never move out and would marry me when she grew up. Drop the ball, and she will at least be moving back home. I need you to realize, that as second choice, you are very, very fortunate to have her.” <~~~ This right here is TRUTH!!! I am that girl (okay maybe not the never move out, but my daddy set a STANDARD by how he has loved my mother for the past 44 years of their lives – of which 34 I have been privy to LOL) … I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!

  2. Momnik

    FRAT, I LOVE THIS!!! May I print it out for my daughter? 🙂

  3. allways/candythepoetress

    lol! this is great list! UMM DID IMENTION YOU WERE 2ND CHOICE?….LOL AND THAT SHE IS A PRINCESS AND ALLWAYS RIGHT?…. O AND PULL YOUR PANTS UP! CLASSIC! LOVE YA WORDS KING! SO TRUE!

  4. Shay

    Frat this is wonderful! I love it!

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