The Bum Magnet (no kids or soft ears allowed!)

I have this sista-friend… okay, ex-girlfriend (lol), who wrote a novel entitled The Bum Magnet. Now, she say it’s not an autobiography–and it better not, cause what is she trying to say about me?? Anyway, if you are a friend of mine and you love me, you will support the efforts of my old friend and read her book. I’m sure you’ve wasted a ton of money on bullcrap movies that you was pissed about… especially after spending damn near $20 on snacks ($40 + dinner + motel if you’s a true playa). So surely you can afford to support an up-and-coming Black author.

Find out more about it here:

So I’d like to talk a little about this:  Why does it seem that many women always get the same dude over and over, and only the names and faces change? I’ve known some women over the years, who tell me the same damned stories every time, SAME STORIES, just different guy. SAME STORIES! Ya hear me? I said, “The same stories, different brotha”…

I have a theory. Kiddos, close your eyes and cover your ears.

  1. Many women have bought into the bullshit that “thugs do it better”. Dude’s dicks don’t grow larger just cause the nigga ain’t working, smokes weed, and wears his pants off his ass. It’s a mindset. And you like it. Admit it. There is something in those women that makes them want a brotha that’s thuggish. Now, you say you want a thug, but you keep breaking up with them. You gotta decide:  do you really want a thug? What if an educated, money-making brotha turns thug? Would you be attracted to him any more? My theory? No. There is something about a man who is not working, or works just to finance his social life, that turns you on.
  2. What those sisters secretly want–get this–Is a thug who is also financially responsible, romantic, family-oriented, faithful, and good looking. Sorry, but you been watching too much TV. There are a few of those brothas out there, and most of them outgrow that shit by age 30 and then they are probably married. And if you meet a 40 year old nigga still sagging, you ain’t getting none of that shit. LOL.
  3. But not all Bum Magnets are looking for a thug. Some want the Tyrese/LL Cool J/Shemar Moore-type brotha who is financially responsible, faithful, blah blah blah. Well, I have news for you–so is everyone else around you. Even if they have a man, and you land one, they are going to want yours. For a man to have a ton of women after him to stay focused on one woman takes a *superhuman* amount of strength. And where do you find this kind of strength? Not in a gym, but in a close, disciplined relationship with God. I say–and repeat–it is IMPOSSIBLE to find a brotha with the curse/blessing of beauty to be able to handle that kind of pressure without the assistance of God’s consent. If you meet a man who does not have a relationship–a disciplined, daily relationship (with all the trimmings)–I would walk away. Especially if he’s fine. It’s like going to the mall right after tax refund without spending… or going to the casino with a pocketful of cash and not playing… or standing in the middle of an all-you-can-eat without eating.
  4. Likewise if you don’t have a relationship with God, but you want him to bless you with a good man. There’s only so many good men out here, and do you think God is going to waste him on a woman too busy to spend two hours out of a 168-hour week with Him? And this goes for anything you want that you ain’t getting–money, weight loss, a better job–in this world you have to pay the piper *before* he plays for you.
  5. You might want to take a good hard look at your past relationships and try to figure out if you have done something wrong. Let me say this:  Men never leave a woman he loves without her knowing that he’s about to leave. NEVER. Now that I’ve said that, if he has told you that he would leave, ask yourself:  what did you do or say in response to the man who threatened to leave? I’ll bet you probably said something to the effect of, “Fine, then leave!” So, you told homebody to go. Are you surprised? If you wanted to keep him, you shoulda acted like you wanted to keep him. But knowing a lot of women (and having this happen to me), acting as if you didn’t care if he stayed or left won’t keep him there. Go back and look at #3. Too many fish in the sea for him to stay with someone who couldn’t care less. And I’m sure there are other signs.
  6. Your history is the same as your mother’s. I will bet you the HOUSE on this one. History not understood is doomed to be repeated. Not “history not known”; “history NOT understood”. Understand that the main person who taught you about relationships may have taught you the wrong stuff. And you continue to go to this unmarried (or unhappily married) woman for advice. Love your mother, but know her limits. Look at your mistakes, look at her mistakes, and then look at what you both did similar.
  7. If your mom was happily married and you’re not, it might be time to take her advice. Period.
  8. Finally, look at the signs. Screwed up men rarely sneak up on women. How many times did you get dissed or cheated on and then said to yourself, “Dammit, I knew this motha fucka wasn’t shit!” Yup, so did your girlfriends. So did your family. Hell, sometimes, even his MOMMA told you he wasn’t shit. And you stuck with him for watever (cough! cough! dick! cough!) reasons, you stayed with homeboy. So don’t get mad; just know what you’ve got. And sometimes, you get a good one, but then mistreat him. KNOW WHAT YOU’VE GOT, and then act accordingly.

I’m not trying to write a book here, so I’m gonna leave it at that. Get Karla’s book. Take a little advice from a guy who has made mistake after mistake after mistake… and then realize that you are a woman who has made mistake after mistake after mistake, and change your program. You might even have to stand back and go “on strike” for a minute, cause most of our mistakes have centered around illegal, premarital sex. We know the formula to a better life, but you have to stick to the rules and read and heed the signs.

Okay, baby boy is up from his nap, gotta make dinner.

And you know what? i was gonna tag, but some folk’s feelings might get hurt. so if you think i wrote this for you, J, K, M, A, S, R, F, T… sho you right. I did.


Filed under Marriage + Love

3 responses to “The Bum Magnet (no kids or soft ears allowed!)

  1. From Karla Herself:

    Thank you, for the support. And you ain’t said nothin’ but the truth. 🙂 Most of these men of whom you speak are represented in some form or fashion in the book. No thugs though. I would say the attraction has more to do with swagger than “…thugness.” Many women like men with swagger, they want a bad boy who will be a good boy with them…at least everywhere except in bed. lol

    Don’t get it twisted though…men can be bum magnets too *ahem*. I call them bumette magnets. lol I cover them a little bit in the sequel. 🙂

    You accidentally copied the wrong link. The new one is available for preorder and will be official released in March 2011.

    • Vera Soto

      Along with MANY other relationship advice books, I’ve read this book, and yes there is some truth to this “theory” but not entirely. Not all women are looking for “thugs” or “wanna be thugs” for that matter. Some of us are strong independant women who get blinded by the expert performer often times a COWARD pretending to be a strong man. Or a man who has been around the block so many times he can do this with one hand tied behind his back.
      He says and does all the right things, to convince you that he is DIFFERENT and he will never hurt you because he knows what he has with you. When he begins to feel intimidated or he starts to feel like this might be a REAL relationship, the coward in him is awakened. And before he is man enough to say to the woman he only claims to love he is already in persuit of another woman. Probably in hopes that he will be caught and again the coward won’t have to face the music because now SHE (the REAL woman) will be the one who cuts ties.
      He’s too much of a coward to actually say that he doesn’t really know what he wants at this point in his life, but will keep leading on a woman because it’s comfortable for the time being and he knows that it’s only a matter of time before she finds out and does his dirty work for him.

  2. alma

    I agree with some of the points in the article. We also can choose to not be influed by those we can identify as less than ideal role models. Sometimes that may be our own parents.
    I read this book, and was pleased to be able to relate with some of the situations Karla discribed. It was also refreshing to know that I’m not the only one that starts off hopeful only to be disappointed with reality. The challege we face is to not let those disappointments change who we are as women (or MEN -which ever the case may be.)
    @ Vera – we should not do what we do in anticipation of what we “might” get in return. Instead we should remain who we are; our own person. Do what you do because it’s a part of who you are. We always have the choice to go when we realize that the relationship doesn’t coincide with who we are, or the direction we want our lives to go. At very least at the end of ANY relationship we can take the lessons learned.

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