Monthly Archives: January 2011

The First Date

On internet dating sites, you’re always being asked the question:  What do you see as a good first date?

Here’s my view.

In my religion of Islam, we do not believe in the Western idea of a date. There is a courtship instead, and the two should never be alone together, because as God-fearing Muslims, we must avoid fornicating. God’s word–regardless of what religion you follow–forbids premarital sex. For that reason, this blog will only discuss sex between a man and a woman after they have been married. I cannot promise you that I am always celibate. I struggle. But I would be guilty of misleading you if I somehow condoned or encouraged premarital sex. And as a Muslim who supposedly knows better, the sin weighs heavier on my head, than someone who does not “know better”.

That said, if you are entertaining the idea of getting to know a woman/man for the purpose of marriage, you would get further by following the Islamic custom, than if you did what everyone else does:

Introductions should generally be made through a third person, called a “Wali”. This person guarantees your chastity and can “check out” your potential mate for you. He is responsible for feeling out the other person, checking on their reputation, and must answer if he give bad advice about selection. It is almost always a good idea to involve the parents, because a marriage made without the consent or pleasure of a parent is surely doomed.

Rather than do dinner and movies, how about a coffee shop? Or a park? Someplace you can sit down and talk without distractions, and really get to know this person. Communicating is the best way to get to know someone, and without it, you are basing your attraction on other things, like how the person looks. Talking at length lets you know if  the person you’re considering is a real match for you. What are his/her plans for the future? What are your ideas on marriage? Or raising kids? Will you be a dual working family? Or will one of you be a stay-at-home parent? What kind of music do you listen to? Are you equally yoked spiritually?

This is one of those lost arts that lover seem to forget these days. All we want to do is bump and grind and many of us have not even taken the time to know our potential mate’s middle name! You can learn a lot through communication; when you disagree, whatever is buried deep inside will rear its head and you will be able to see how he/she deals with conflict. And that is what can make or break a marriage. Take your time and get to know each other, and if you can–sex should not even be a factor. Few people have made it to a 30th anniversary celebration because of sex; why do you think they made it that far? Love? What is that love based on? Do you and your potential mate have that same chemistry? The courtship is the stage where you make that determination. And in order to do that you need to collect and exchange information, not stare at some movie screen….

Thanks for visiting my blog!

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My Views on Marriage

First, let me begin by telling you–in case you hadn’t heard–but Akamo’s been married six times. Let’s break it down, shall we?

  1. Married at age 20. “She” (PW) was old than I was, at 25. Only five years but light years ahead of me. The sex was (I thought at least in those days) THE SHIOT. But we didn’t have much else in common, and then she was a very attractive woman surrounded by attractive men, and I was insecure. To make it worse, she was a flirt and I couldn’t handle it. The only woman I have ever argued with, and I swore after this one, I would never do it again… and I haven’t. We were done in 18 months.
  2. Married at age 24. SC were her initials, but I nicknamed her “Sexy Chocolate”, perhaps the prettiest of them all. She is 4 years younger than I was, and we had issues because of a mistrust issue between us. This time it was her a and not me. And yes, she was a flirt too. Perhaps too beautiful for me also. We had attention everywhere we went, and she wasn’t very good about throwing disrespectful men off. We broke up over something silly, but I never went back completely because I did not like the jealous feeling and never wanted to experience it again. She is the reason I avoided women who were model-pretty. Over in 4 months.
  3. Married at age 26. I never told anyone about this girl SR. Her parents didn’t like me so we did some Romeo and Juliet-type shit. We got married without anyone knowing, with the understanding that she would be a woman and tell her parents and move in with me. She never did, and never moved in with me. That’s what the hell I get for fucking with a woman I meet working in McDonald’s. Done in 6 months.
  4. Age 29. SS, the mother of my older two children, and the worst wife I ever had. She was completely a verbal abuser, she preferred her male friends and weed over me and the kids, wanted to abort both my kids and rejected them when they were born, the only person I have ever actually hated. I could do a ton of articles on this bitch alone. And she was worse after our marriage than while we were married. When we split up, she wanted to pursue her education, so I kept the kids (as well as my stepdaughter). She likes loser men and when she’s feeling bi-curious, loser women too. We were done in 2 years, although I wanted to leave a month after we married. This bitch is the devil.
  5. Age 37. After nearly 8 years of being single, I got her pregnant (yes, I was fornicating… another story) and married her because she was giving me a hard time seeing my baby. I never really loved her. I thought she was a good woman, despite being crazy as catshit, and tried to make myself happy. But her temper left a lot to be desired, and when she started making my children unhappy… she had to go. Sometimes I will refer to her as a bitch, but she’s crazy and can’t help it. We were done in 18 months.
  6. Age 40. My second attempt at marrying a gorgeous woman. Law enforcement officer, and terribly mentally disturbed. She was actually not a bad wife, but her jealousy, bipolar disorder, and hot ass temper gave me no choice but to leave. She threw us (me and my kids… we got a house together) out three times. On the third time, I was done. On top of that, I was out of work during our marriage and stressing over my business, and all she did was kick me. The little help she did was rubbed in my face so that erased any support she provided me. Then on top of that insulted me daily and after we left fluctuated between wanting me back and hating me. I was every type of loser in the world, and 9 months after we split, I am a Vice President of a company with nearly a six figure salary. I guess being with her must have blocked my blessing. It took 9 months for me to lose everything I had (while we were married), and 9 months to get mostly everything back, including my pride and self-esteem.

So, although I may seem like I am the last person you’d want to take advice from, I happen to know every mistake I made after some serious reflection. Hopefully, I can guide through your own relationships so that you don’t make the mistakes I made.

In the next three installments, I will sum up my philosophy on marriage. Hopefully you will find something useful in what I have experienced, and in the lessons I learned. Thanks for visiting my blog!

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The Bum Magnet (no kids or soft ears allowed!)

I have this sista-friend… okay, ex-girlfriend (lol), who wrote a novel entitled The Bum Magnet. Now, she say it’s not an autobiography–and it better not, cause what is she trying to say about me?? Anyway, if you are a friend of mine and you love me, you will support the efforts of my old friend and read her book. I’m sure you’ve wasted a ton of money on bullcrap movies that you was pissed about… especially after spending damn near $20 on snacks ($40 + dinner + motel if you’s a true playa). So surely you can afford to support an up-and-coming Black author.

Find out more about it here:  http://www.amazon.com/Bum-Magnet-K-L-Brady/dp/0615307043

So I’d like to talk a little about this:  Why does it seem that many women always get the same dude over and over, and only the names and faces change? I’ve known some women over the years, who tell me the same damned stories every time, SAME STORIES, just different guy. SAME STORIES! Ya hear me? I said, “The same stories, different brotha”…

I have a theory. Kiddos, close your eyes and cover your ears.

  1. Many women have bought into the bullshit that “thugs do it better”. Dude’s dicks don’t grow larger just cause the nigga ain’t working, smokes weed, and wears his pants off his ass. It’s a mindset. And you like it. Admit it. There is something in those women that makes them want a brotha that’s thuggish. Now, you say you want a thug, but you keep breaking up with them. You gotta decide:  do you really want a thug? What if an educated, money-making brotha turns thug? Would you be attracted to him any more? My theory? No. There is something about a man who is not working, or works just to finance his social life, that turns you on.
  2. What those sisters secretly want–get this–Is a thug who is also financially responsible, romantic, family-oriented, faithful, and good looking. Sorry, but you been watching too much TV. There are a few of those brothas out there, and most of them outgrow that shit by age 30 and then they are probably married. And if you meet a 40 year old nigga still sagging, you ain’t getting none of that shit. LOL.
  3. But not all Bum Magnets are looking for a thug. Some want the Tyrese/LL Cool J/Shemar Moore-type brotha who is financially responsible, faithful, blah blah blah. Well, I have news for you–so is everyone else around you. Even if they have a man, and you land one, they are going to want yours. For a man to have a ton of women after him to stay focused on one woman takes a *superhuman* amount of strength. And where do you find this kind of strength? Not in a gym, but in a close, disciplined relationship with God. I say–and repeat–it is IMPOSSIBLE to find a brotha with the curse/blessing of beauty to be able to handle that kind of pressure without the assistance of God’s consent. If you meet a man who does not have a relationship–a disciplined, daily relationship (with all the trimmings)–I would walk away. Especially if he’s fine. It’s like going to the mall right after tax refund without spending… or going to the casino with a pocketful of cash and not playing… or standing in the middle of an all-you-can-eat without eating.
  4. Likewise if you don’t have a relationship with God, but you want him to bless you with a good man. There’s only so many good men out here, and do you think God is going to waste him on a woman too busy to spend two hours out of a 168-hour week with Him? And this goes for anything you want that you ain’t getting–money, weight loss, a better job–in this world you have to pay the piper *before* he plays for you.
  5. You might want to take a good hard look at your past relationships and try to figure out if you have done something wrong. Let me say this:  Men never leave a woman he loves without her knowing that he’s about to leave. NEVER. Now that I’ve said that, if he has told you that he would leave, ask yourself:  what did you do or say in response to the man who threatened to leave? I’ll bet you probably said something to the effect of, “Fine, then leave!” So, you told homebody to go. Are you surprised? If you wanted to keep him, you shoulda acted like you wanted to keep him. But knowing a lot of women (and having this happen to me), acting as if you didn’t care if he stayed or left won’t keep him there. Go back and look at #3. Too many fish in the sea for him to stay with someone who couldn’t care less. And I’m sure there are other signs.
  6. Your history is the same as your mother’s. I will bet you the HOUSE on this one. History not understood is doomed to be repeated. Not “history not known”; “history NOT understood”. Understand that the main person who taught you about relationships may have taught you the wrong stuff. And you continue to go to this unmarried (or unhappily married) woman for advice. Love your mother, but know her limits. Look at your mistakes, look at her mistakes, and then look at what you both did similar.
  7. If your mom was happily married and you’re not, it might be time to take her advice. Period.
  8. Finally, look at the signs. Screwed up men rarely sneak up on women. How many times did you get dissed or cheated on and then said to yourself, “Dammit, I knew this motha fucka wasn’t shit!” Yup, so did your girlfriends. So did your family. Hell, sometimes, even his MOMMA told you he wasn’t shit. And you stuck with him for watever (cough! cough! dick! cough!) reasons, you stayed with homeboy. So don’t get mad; just know what you’ve got. And sometimes, you get a good one, but then mistreat him. KNOW WHAT YOU’VE GOT, and then act accordingly.

I’m not trying to write a book here, so I’m gonna leave it at that. Get Karla’s book. Take a little advice from a guy who has made mistake after mistake after mistake… and then realize that you are a woman who has made mistake after mistake after mistake, and change your program. You might even have to stand back and go “on strike” for a minute, cause most of our mistakes have centered around illegal, premarital sex. We know the formula to a better life, but you have to stick to the rules and read and heed the signs.

Okay, baby boy is up from his nap, gotta make dinner.

And you know what? i was gonna tag, but some folk’s feelings might get hurt. so if you think i wrote this for you, J, K, M, A, S, R, F, T… sho you right. I did.

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Are you upset about the election? I’m not, but I am worried…

Okay I’m about to get deep. Try to keep up with me. I don’t usually get this way about politics, because I have found–that like religion–people like to have discussions about subjects they have done NO homework on. I’m sorry, but occasionally overhearing the news while you’re waiting for the “RnB Afternoon Drive Home” to continue the Monster Mix don’t count.

And neither do listening to quasi-political, Black Power arguments by 25 year old so-called revolutionary poets. I will not argue with an 8 year old over the validity of the Santa Claus legend (who was actually a PERSECUTOR of Christians, btw). I’ll damn sure not argue with anyone over this subect, which is why it’s an article and not a thread on a forum or something.

So, to be honest, I really don’t give a damn about this election. But it is telling. It isn’t about White versus Black. It isn’t about Republicans taking over the House, or Democrats not getting enough Black support. But it IS about this nation being pissed the Hell off about having a Black President, and the desire to castrate his Black ass while he’s President. If you care about this President (and I’m a Republican, by the way)–I do–educate yourself, and stop wasting your grassroots political power. Like this election. More on that later.

Like I said, this election was more about Obama than people realize. The whole reason we have a “Tae” Party (mispelled intentionally… google “Tae Tagalog translate”) is because there is a Black man as President. And don’t have me that “well he’s only HALF black”  bs… are we in America? Is the 1 drop rule still the law of the land? (by the way, it’s amazing to me that we have so-called “conscious” Black folk who will call Bill Clinton our first Black President, but criticize Obama for not being “Black” enough!) Okay then, next topic!

Let me say this:  The reason the Democrats lost so many seats is because, at its foundation, Dems don’t stand for shit. We all know that. And the ones you lost were lousy Dems anyway. They waffled a lot, and that’s why they lost. See, here’s the thing. When you’re not consistent, people lose interest in you. Michael Jordan was consistent. So he kept fans. Prince consistently puts on good shows, so he is always sold out on the road, regardless if he’s got out a hit in the last decade or not. Minister Louis Farrakhan never fails to energize an audience, so he will always be revered as well as reviled by others. When a politician loses steam, it’s because he was not consistent in what he did to get popular. You can apply this to anything:  sports, politics, products, comedy, acting, slam poetry. When you waffle, people lose interest.

Obama’s claim to fame was that he was the right man for the job at the right time. To say he won because he was “anyone but Bush” is not just an understatement, it is an insult. Politically, he hadn’t done anything to excite the country. Admit it, most of you had barely even heard the man’s name before the election. But he is smart as a whip, he had the character and moral strength of a Black President (not even a broken heart in college… you know they was diggin’. Couldn’t find anything on this powerful, God-fearing black male. I love it). He knew White people enough to inspire, lead and motivate them. And he was not so “Black” that the country would revolt if we elected him. Black folk would have supported him no matter what (unless there was a belief he only had a snowball chance in hell of winning), and White people could satisfy the need to show they aren’t racist by supporting at most, a moderate Black man.

But his fight has just begun. He managed to stay alive all this time, and even kept his nose clean with the dirt-diggers. So plan B went well as planned. Plan B was to get him to say what’s REALLY on his mind, and, like a true blue dem, he won’t… for the subjects that really mattered. I have long said, that if he were to become a GREAT Black President, he needs to do things that would damn near get him killed. I’m talking about not tip-toe the line, but boldly either step over the line, stomp on the line, or stay to the other side. It don’t have to be the same reaction every single time. Don’t wave with the wind, you have to stand your ground and let people know where you stand. You can’t please everybody, and there you have the problem with the Demon-crats:  they don’t stand for shit. Our beloved President has fallen into that trap. I knew it when he backed away from his Pastor when the shit hit the fan. Good Lord, your religious guide? If he did that when the heat got turned up, what’s he gonna do to his faithful supporters? But he wanted to win the election, you say. Okay, I’ll give you that. We needed to get that Brotha into office. Do what you gotta do.

And speaking of which, this is what our beloved Brotha President must do. If Palin’s trailer park ass gets the Republic nomination, I’m joining the TAE party!

  1. He better understand that he is BLACK, and a BLACK president, and this country is PISSED the hell off because of that fact. Stop playing the game that those before you made because it won’t work for you. Stand for things you really believe and to hell what people think. That will give you cemented supporters.You say, that you’re a Christian, right? Does your Bible tell you that homosexuality is a sin? Did you learn that while under Jeremiah Wright? Do you *really* believe that abortion is okay? Does your Bible teach you that it’s wrong? My brother, take a fucking stand. You would be surprised how many people on both sides of the aisle have been waiting for a President with the testicular fortitude to say what’s on not just their mind, but YOUR mind. Then do what a President does, and make that shit a law. Do you really believe that legalizing marijuana is okay? All you need is $100 and a connection to get card? Use your Executive Privilege and change this bullshit law! You don’t need Congress or the Supreme Court to back you, have some BALLS! You will be supported by Black and White on that issue, Dems, Republicans, and Tea party members! You united us when you won, now do something BOLD and something that will be MEMORABLE.
  2. If people are saying and doing racist offenses, you no longer have to pander, bro, you are in office. Demand respect. You’ve long earned it. But if you fail to demand it, none will be given. Stop allowing assholes in the press to refer to you as “Obama”. You’re the fucking President of the greatest nation on Earth. Act like it. Congress is a check and balance system, they are not your boss. Go and regulate. Hell, George Bush’s ignant behind did it, you can do it. You might have to work a little harder. Go face to face. There is something about facing your enemies when you are close enough to cut their throat. Turns em into wimps. And if you are right–if you have a good argument–they just might be converts. It’s why the last mayor of Washington DC could win an election with very little political experience. He went and knocked on tens of thousands of doors, one at a time, and walked away with respect, awe, and a newly converted supporter. And you ask anyone from Washington DC–did DC grow under this man’s administration. Amazing power. Obama is buffered too much from his opponents, and we that love him can see his glow, but there are many that must see it in person. There is a saying that a converted enemy can be the most powerful, most outspoken ally of them all. Look at Paul. Look at Constantine.
  3. Remember than you are, secondly, a politician. You will not always get your way. If you force your way through all the time, you will lose support. Sometimes, you must listen to the the masses and go their way. Yes it is a slight sell-out, but a small bend for the good of the cause. It is, in essence, collateral damage. Just don’t make a concession that is highly damaging. That crap you pulled with Afghanistan (moving the war there), Obamacare (something that really no one but Big Business Medical Industry wanted), and Fail-outs just killed you politically, sir. Although many people are p.o.ed because there is a Black President, not all Tea Party members are racist or mad that a Brotha is President. They just don’t want to see status quo, and you are all too guilty of continuing it. They are really waiting for a strong President who will do what this country needs to make a change; and Big Business is not the way to go. Give your opponents some of the small victories that you aren’t crazy about, but actually good for the country, and they will have no choice but to support you. My advice:  Read Michael Savage’s book “Trickle UP Poverty”. He is an ultra conservative, a very smart man (despite having the personality of a drug addict), and actually offers a GREAT solution to many of this country’s problems. He is one of your enemies. But he is not a racist, although on the surface he seems like one, and he has very gutsy, practical solutions. You MUST reach across the aisle, as your speeches always ask your opponents to do.
  4. Don’t forget that you are a Black Man, and you DO owe us. We got you in Brotha. If another Black person ran, say, Condoleeza Rice, we would still be sitting here thinking that a Black Man won’t be President in our lifetime. Understand that even though most Black American voters are Democrats–as a community we are FAR from liberal. We do not support gay marriage as a community. We do not support a ban on guns. We are not all that fond of Welfare. We do not support Abortion as a whole. You must think like we think, not a Democrat. Because if you do one thing Dems don’t feel, they will toss you out. And here’s the thing about most Democrats:  they are actually pretty darned conservative as well! It’s just that they have more in common with Dems on socio-political issues than waffly stuff like that. MOST Dem politicians don’t believe in all that garbage either. They just pretend to support weed because it will get them the young vote. They support welfare and illegal immigration because they think Black and Brown people support it. Seriously, most of us don’t give a damn like that anyway. Shit, 50 years ago a Black family couldnt even get ON welfare! And ask yourself, revolutionaries:  WWMD? What would Malcolm X do? You like quoting him and wearing shirts with him on it, would he advocate legalizing weed? Would he support gay marriage? Did he want Black people to accept public benefits? Hell No.  We are just waiting for a candidate who makes decisions that actually elevates our cause, and says what we been trying to say for years.

So that being said. The playing field just got fairer. Our president will have to use his charisma with the people who matter most NOW to get his mission accomplished. He will have to drop the song and dance and stand for something. He won’t please everyone, but he will have to make a real “change”:

  • return money to the people. lessen taxes, which gives people more money to spend, and force our government to REALLY go on a diet. lower taxes, spend less. period.
  • Cut ties with Israel. They are expensive friends, and they start shit that we have to fight. screw em. We need to stop financing their terrorism, and make them fight their own fight.
  • spend less by bringing our troops home. period. NOW. Afghanistan and Iraq lost the war. It will de-arm bin Laden’s purpose for hating America. They can rebuild. let Haliburton loan them money to rebuild if you want to give out reparations.
  • speaking of reparations. Have some balls my brotha. it’s time the Black man got some. you know it, don’t act like we aren’t owed it. lay down the ground work. There are thousands of companies…. like the government–that reaped the benefits of slavery. Portugal, Spain, and England can all kick in. The question is, what to do with the money? I’ll tell you–pay for education. improve schools with more than 40% black children in attendance. provide free or low-cost day care centers to get moms and dads working–even if mom and dad are together. the number one reason I hate welfare is that it is only available if the man is not in the house. it discourages marriages in the black community. So the million dollar question:  where does the money come from? EVERY INDUSTRY THAT BENEFITED FROM SLAVERY. insurance companies, cotton/textiles, agriculture, the railroad in the south, the iron industry, the federal government.
  • the federal government? YES. let’s get rid of welfare, and save it only for men and women who are too sick and old to work, and put THAT money into reparations. Along with the tax we levy onto industries that benefited from slavery.
  • restore money to our military. we are not safe. It ain’t your fault, but we aren’t safe. Even American Muslims are being taken hostage. the military needs it. and during peace time, they can be used for
  • illegal immigration. all it takes to get here is proper documents and small fee. this way, everyone here is locatable, and pays taxes while they are here. anything wrong with that? immigrants DO work, i know they are not lazy, but they must be documented. Are you documented? do you pay taxes? can YOU be located in America? shouldn’t they? that’s why a man commits a crime, and majority of the time he gets caught. man makes a baby, he is located and pays support. any mexican, nigerian, or canadian can come here… with the right documentation. maybe it’s about race for some people, or it’s about votes, but at it’s core its about respecting our laws.
  • cut down foreign aid. we’re paying too much. period. save money for US.
  • how about rooting out the assholes who destroyed our economy with sinful loans and real estate practices? they’ve made millions, while destroying lives. another source of income!
  • find the people who raped our treasury during the last war and bring them to justice–like the $16 per serving meals sold by Halliburton and the $40/gallon tanks of gas sold to our military by  Chevron? make them repay the country. income.
  • put cheney, rumsfield and bush on trial for treason. yeah, you don’t win a conviction, but you’ll scare the shit out of them, and they will know you the wrong black man to F with! plus i love hearing Bush try to talk without a teleprompter… makes me feel superior. Who’s the War President now, Georgie? LOL!
  • and if you want to whip some ass, declare war on the country that clearly has hurt our country:  Columbia. They can’t fuck with us on a military tip. it’ll be a military win to restore respect. right now, we’re like the big kid that got his ass whipped by the kid from the math club–everybody thinks they can take us. Even North Korea wants to fight. NGA waaa??? Let’s stomp Columbia, and kick em in the nads and turn all our attention to North Korea. that’ll shut them up. they will realize this really isn’t about oil, fool, we will spank that ass. worried that we don’t have enough troops? go to the prison system. Nigroe you did say yo ass is a gangsta, didn’t you? like to shoot people don’t ya? well then nigga put on this uniform and form up! lotsa sexually frustrated, iron-pumping men who OWE this country their lives. two birds with one stone:  loosen the prison system, might not have to execute some of them fools on death row, and we don’t even have to pay them!
  • after Columbia and Korea, we can rent out our new gansta military to Mexico, HOnduras and El salvador to get rid of their military. Nigga you wanted to have fucking race riots in the prison system, you can serve your country and REALLY kick some Esay boodie!did i mention that we don’t have to pay them?

okay, i’m getting silly. But this election just woke up the political landscape. listen, because America has spoken. I pray that our president don’t just become another by-the-book president. he can become great, despite the congressional climate, but he will need to be BOLD.

Bottom line, we need to increase the money going to people–which stimulates the economy–increase the streams of income to the government (from the companies that ripped us off in the first place), and cut down the excessive spending. This in turn will create jobs, create wealth, and put money where it belongs. the better economy will alleviate crime and benefit all corners of this country.

I want to add… that Pres Obama is being blamed for Bush’s mess. The problem is that the five most drastic things he can do to put a major dent in the deficit, he’s not doing. They are so off the path, but effective. And it would take a ton of courage to do it, and he would have to damn near commit political suicide (like Lincoln and Kennedy did) for the good of the nation. Become a martyr, and you will be remembered by history. Play it safe, and you will be forgotten:
1. Sever ties with Israel. It’s bad for our security, and expensive as hell.
2. Lower taxes. Put money back into the hands of the voter. What comes with this is a TRUE cut in spending. He should start with bonuses and per diem for himself and Congress (not security, I’m talking lavishness).
3. End the war. In Afghanistan AND Iraq. Too much money, too many deaths, and hurts our security while empowering our enemies.
4. Levy HEAVY penalties on those who profiteered off the war, the real estate crisis, and the financial downfall. Make them bastards pay it back and bring criminal charges to those who deserve it.
5. Heavily cut back on foreign spending and welfare. Put the money into education and places that will REALLY stimulate the economy.
Told you my ass can get political… Thanks for visiting my blog.

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You ever thought of divorce? After a long marriage?

This is a long read, but it’s something to think about. No, I didn’t write it. But it’s heavy.

Take it from a guy that’s been divorced 6 times. I’ve regretted it many times, and this last time, I really really feel horrible that my own marriage ended. Does that mean I have baggage? Shit yeah. I’ve got plenty…

 

Divorce After a Long Marriage

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Janae. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Janae.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning until I leave. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Janae about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Janae about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.  Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

The next morning, our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

And I was changing. I lost track of the days. I would do things I hadn’t done in months. At one point, while I work, I washed my hands in the men’s room, and realized that I was wearing my wedding ring.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Janae opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Janae, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Janae, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Janae seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Janae to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m still that loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you DO share it, nothing will happen to you. But maybe something will happen for someone else if you do.

Me:  That being said, I think the point is that we need to ask ourselves, “Have we done all we can to make the most of our marriages? Or are we just giving up and not trying hard enough? What if you found out the spouse you were planning to leave was dying? Would you change your mind? How many times have you left a relationship and then realized later, that “It really wasn’t that bad!” I’ve gone through that myself, and some of my exes have gone through that regret when leaving me. Something to think about y’all. Infidelity is one thing. But have you really exhausted your last effort in keeping your marriage fresh?

 

I have a homeboy who’s been married for over 20 years, and I envy this cat. I’m gonna tag him and see if his ass can comment.

 

I hope my brothers get something out of this! Thanks for visiting my blog!

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What You Can Do to Stop Your Man from Cheating

The secret to stopping a man from cheating is….

You’re kidding, right?

You actually believe that there is something a woman can do to stop a man from cheating on her? There are tons of books on the subject. Everything from “catch a cheating man” to “stop a cheating man” to “never be cheated on again”. They are making millions of dollars off this subject and no matter how much you learn about cheaters and men–you will never stop a man determined to fool around… except shoot him.

The sad thing is that infidelity is at an all-time high, and with the availability of porn, the shamelessness with how women dress and approach men, the lack of consequence for getting caught, the social acceptance of infidelity, and the overall lack of moral foundation most people have–there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.

Or is there?

You can do your best to just pick a good man from the beginning. Sounds logical! Pick a good man who brings himself home after work, who loves his wife and kids enough to protect his honesty when they’re not around, who guards his gaze, who can stand in the middle of the fire of his loins and not get hot… and you’re okay!

Well the truth is, that is all you need to do. Pick a good man and there will be no need to go through his phone when he’s in the shower or worry when he goes to work with all those good-looking young fillies. The difficult thing is to learn how to recognize the good and bad in a man and distinguish between the players and the hubby material. The task nearly as difficult as that is knowing where to find such a good man. And next to that, how do you keep a good man?

Well, stay tuned and I will help you answer those questions.

I mean, being a good man and all, I think I’m qualified to help you determine when you have a good one. And if you’re a man who really wants to have the riches of this life–through your woman–stick around. I’ll help you learn the ropes too, my friends.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

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Hello World!

Hello Readers!

This is a new blog, but I am in no way new to blogging.

We won’t be discussing my other blogs, but I want you to know that I’ve been doing this for a few years with some successes. This blog will be just that–a blog. I’m not here trying to sell you anything, make political or religious statements… Wait, maybe the statements. On this blog we will be talking about relationships, current events, business, love, sex, religion, relationships, blah blah blah. Basically, I am gonna be here, running off at the fingertips and hopefully what I write will be interesting enough for you to want to come back and read some more.

You won’t agree with everything I say, and you’re opinion is welcome. Regardless of how wrong it is (lol), just make yourself known and heard and use this blog as a soap box! In a way it’ll be like a Facebook wall, but the posts don’t get buried under a whole bunch of bullshit. We have a search option and categories for you to be able to sort through the posts and find what interests you. So use it!

I’m not going to put my bio here, but as you read, you’ll discover a little more about me and be able to piece together who Mustafa Akamo is. I hope you like him…

Have a great day, y’all, and thanks for visiting my blog.

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